11-10-24 a chilly fall morning

it is a chilly, wet morning in my part of the world. and as much as i complain about summer's end and winter being on the horizon, i must say i rather enjoy this time of the year where fall wind and rain has made skeletal the trees. this is the season just before winter starts settling in and one in which i choose to be home more. this is the season in which i begin nesting. i am cleaning my home, sorting and making it more orderly. maybe this is because i know i will be inside much more over the course of the next several months so i'm preparing for that. this is also the season in which i am cooking more, preparing heartier meals and wanting to bake a lot. i try to resist the baking part to some degree because who needs those carbs, right? but the drive to do so is there. i think this feeling, this innate need to nest is natural, instinctual, a survival characteristic carried in our cells from our ancestors. we do now know that we carry cellular memories through generations even if we're unaware. you could say it's no different than animal instinct that guides them to survive and care for their young. no one taught them these things, they just do them naturally. i believe we are very much the same way. the term "nesting" became known to me when i was pregnant with my son. most mothers will understand this, as just prior to birthing we are struck with a burst of energy. suddenly we are cleaning and organizing and making sure all is ready for the arrival of our baby.

i have rambled enough this morning as i sit here at my kitchen table. there is such a cozy feeling when i can sit here with my coffee and a cat or a dog at my feet, listening to the rain and feeling cocooned in the darkness of a fall morning. but now daylight is beginning to make an appearance. in the distance i hear a neighborhood car being started, street lights are now off and it is time for the day to begin.

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the path

 

women... more beautiful as they grow older

"Women get more Beautiful as they grow older. Not less.

Female youth is only prized in modern culture because it doesn't represent as much of a threat Spiritually to anyone who is frightened of Divine Feminine power.

As women Grow and Mature, they call in stronger forces of Sacred Feminine Wisdom.

They vibrate with the creative power of their stories.

They are more of a force to be reckoned with.

They see more, know more, feel more.

There comes a day, somewhere in the middle of every woman’s life, when Mother Nature herself stands behind us and wraps her arms around our shoulders,

whispering -

“It’s time.”

“You have taken enough now. It’s time to stop growing up, stop growing older and start growing wiser – and wilder.

There are adventures still waiting on you and this time, you will enjoy them with the vision of wisdom and the companionship of hindsight, and you will really let go.

It’s time to stop the madness of comparison and the ridicule of schedule and conformity and start experiencing the joys that a life, free of containment and guilt, can bring.”

She will shake your shoulders gently and remind you that you’ve done your bit. You’ve given too much, cared too much, you’ve suffered too much.

You’ve bought the book as it were and worn the t-shirt.

Worse, you’ve worn the chains and carried the weight of a burden far too heavy for your shoulders.

“It’s time,” she will say.

“Let it go, really let it go and feel the freedom of the fresh, clean spaces within you. Fill them with discovery, love and laughter.

Fill yourself so full you will no longer fear what is ahead and instead you will greet each day with the excitement of a child.”

She will remind you that if you choose to stop caring what other people think of you and instead of caring what you think of you, that you will experience a new era of your life you never dreamed possible.

‘It’s time,’ she will say.

“To write a new beginning,

of your own story.”

Women get more Beautiful

as they

Grow Older, not less."

Creator and Author.

Mike Harrigan.

I Am.

You Are.

We Are.

Oneness.

Global Consciousness.

things i have learned as a widow

i have learned...

how to sleep in the middle of the bed after years of sleeping on my own side.  now i even sleep on what was his side,

being alone isn't so bad once you adjust and accept.

some things aren't much fun on your own.

eventually everything ends so you need to grab the special moments when you can and savor the hell out of them.

it's good to move on but you shouldn't rush it.  every ending requires time for you to grieve.  only then can you heal and truly move forward.

you have to work through things, not around them.

journaling IS a path to healing.

not all therapists are helpful.  find one that is. 

you'll never "get over" the loss of a loved one but you will get through it.  and there is effort required in living and beginning a new normal.  new habits, new traditions, new adventures all begin with you.  in time the pain of loss will lessen.  

to count my blessings daily...and literally list them.

i'm special, just like everyone else.

that if i want to go anywhere i have to drive myself.   

you are suddenly in control of the remote and can watch whatever you like on tv.

none of us are immune to bad things happening.  that's called life so there's no point in feeling sorry for yourself.  but you will now and then and that's ok as long as you don't get stuck in victim mode.

that i can't always do it all by myself, that sometimes i need a helping hand.  if i do, it's ok and not a good idea to beat myself up over it.  it may be hard at first but it's really ok to ask for help.  but remember, no one is going to haul the groceries in but you.

to spend time with the people who allow you to talk about your loved one and your feelings.  

you have to care for yourself.  lack of food and rest will catch up with you and often in the form of illness.  your resistance is low.  vitamins are a good idea, too.

you get tired of people saying you're so strong.  it's not like you had a choice.  

instead of asking, "why me?", try asking, "why not me?"

keep talking to them.  they're around and listening.  

it's ok to fall in love again.  they may have died but you didn't and they would want you to be happy.

you will smile again.  life goes on and you will, too. 

12-19-22

 

 outside my window... it is dark and cold and there is still a dusting of snow left.  the trash and recycling sit out front at the curb for tomorrow morning's pickup. 

 

 

i am thinking...how i truly dislike these cold day of winter and it's barely just begun

from the kitchen...i just made a toasted turkey and cheese sandwich in my sandwich press.  otherwise it is clean.  yesterday's kitchen was busy with cookie making

i am wearing...black insulated leggings, army green sweatshirt that reads, "i like weed and maybe 3 people", black socks and house slippers.  i still have my bra on, wtf?

i am reading...emir's education in the proper use of magical powers by jane roberts

i am hoping...and praying for shelter for all the homeless people

 

i am creating...a KORN Issues doll.  i just finished a kodama (Japanese tree spirit) last week

 

i am hearing...the furnace fan blowing and the squeak in my desk chair as i turn

around the house...bedding washed and bed remade, refrigerator cleaned out of non-edible leftovers, groceries bought and put away

one of my favorite things...talking with my sis on the phone

i am looking forward to...thursday when i see jason

weekend plans include...christmas with jason, seeing some local and maybe not so local lights

 outside my window...

 the day is gray, typical for this time of year. 

 

i am thinking...

 (a bit overwhelmingly) about all i need to accomplish by springtime if i am going to sell the house and move.  i am trying to embrace this change because it's something i want yet it overwhelms me.  i need more gumption!  

 

from the kitchen...

nothing is on the stove, but intentions are good for trying a new tortellini soup recipe.  yesterday i made some wonderfully good chili.  

there are dishes waiting to be washed.

i am wearing...

black legging style sweatpants with a gray "arkansas football"tee (the shirt i slept in) with a stain on the front.  i have on gray fuzzy socks and slippers.  essentially i am dressed but not too presentable, lol! 

i am reading...

mostly crochet patterns and articles of interest online.  that said, i have a book arriving soon by jane roberts.

i am hoping...

to see my son over the holidays.  i miss him a lot.

 

i am creating...

i just finished a cover i started a year ago to go over a neck/shoulder pad i use when sitting in my living room chair.  last night i began a KORN "issues" doll.  i've sought out a good pattern for over a year and finally found one on youtube.  

 

i am hearing...

the hum and clicking of zippers, snaps and buttons as clothes tumble in the dryer.

around the house...

it's quiet.  the dog is resting on the sleeping porch, things need to be picked up and straightened, i have two orders of crocheted novelties to pack and prep for mailing. 

one of my favorite things...

is phone conversations and laughter with my twin sister.

i am looking forward to...

tomorrow when my food box arrives.  it's always fun to see what's in it and what i might be able to cross off my grocery list.

weekend plans include...

nothing on the agenda just yet but cookie baking could take place.